Heard a familiar song today. It reminded me so much of you, Mr X. Mr. Nicimos ~
It couldn't but prod me into review of just how far I've come since we met just shy of four years ago.
Life was so very different then. We were slowly becoming friends. We'd met on Twitter of all places.
But those years ago I was just beginning to feel the earthquakes that would rend my domestic life apart.
You never knew it at that time but the abusive relationship I'd been in for the prior 15 years was about to come crumbling down ~ on top of me.
Actually, the Years and all those Hard Men who'd confined me and had stood firm on my fire were to come hurtling down on me. With such a weight it nearly cost me everything.
At the time, You never knew that. Still, you chatted most amiably with me whenever the abrupt long silences between us might end, as if we'd never dropped our fun and often meaningful conversations. Bless you for that.
For accepting my will 'o the wisp ways then.
After a bit of an avalanche and after a deep ice age set in I came to roused by the cold one feels to wake up outside with nothing on but the clothes on one's back. (Just that in fact, other than some paperwork was all I did take in my flight from Egypt).
But you know, I don't regret any of it ~ every man brought something to me that only they could have,
as every one of them took away something from me that was never theirs to take.
I never regret experience as long as sooner or later it bears fruit in my spirit and in my life.
That's what we're here for anyway - experience.
It just happens that I was meant to have a Circus of Life that spelled out various levels of hell in large glowing letters!
It's STILL valuable LIFE!
It just means that I know what heaven is, more than some perhaps - because it sure ain't hell!
Anyway,
how you and I got from a slow-burning, growing friendship into the WE that exists now
is a book filled with the many volumes we know by heart, and so many that some we've even forgotten!
They are not the point right now ~ You are the point right now. You and all the tenderness that you've brought to me recently. Yes I cried the last time we spoke. They were tears that no one has ever seen before. But you let me cry them.
I cried because I was scared. I cried because I didn't want to hide it anymore.
I cried because loving you has brought me to a place I must dig in deep with all I have, or continue to walk the halls of the familiar hells I know.
Wouldn't that seem like an easy choice to most? But it's true - sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don't! You're the most trustworthy person, but as I'd said to you recently, it'd matter not one whit if you were the male version of Mother Theresa - the fact is that I have no empirical reason to assume that you could be truly 'different' than the earliest men or the latest men in my life ~ Scientifically speaking, my experiences make me lean towards utter disbelief of even the most astounding supernatural things that have passed between us.
How ungracious is that? Considering the ways our knowing have smashed all anyone knows of physics, time and space!
Well - you wanted tears of joy from me, but they could not come until the sorrows had passed. Getting so deeply into a person takes time and delicacy. All of which you have liberally given to me. You've shown this skittish Horse nothing but scented apples and soft grasses. A dry place to lay my head.
Right now ....
Of all the things in the world I could think of wanting at this stage in my life, right now, it's that you STAY, to carry on what you've begun.
Please ~
STAY, and the Night would give me up.
STAY, and the Day would keep its trust.
STAY, and the Night would be enough.
If I know the dark of hurts, I now begin to really know the light of day.
Now here, the song ~ I cannot hear it and not find You all over it:
Green light, 7-Eleven
You stop in for a pack of cigarettes
You don't smoke, don't even want to
Hey now, check your change
Dressed up like a car crash
Your wheels are turning but you're upside down
You say when he hits you, you don't mind
Because when he hurts you, you feel alive
Oh no, is that what it is?
Red lights, gray morning
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay in to watch the adverts
You could lip sync to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk, you talk at me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close
Up with the static and the radio
With satellite television
You can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast, and Berlin
And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay, then the day would keep its trust
Stay, with the demons you drowned
Stay, with the spirit I found
Stay, and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel runs to ground
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel hits the ground
Stay (far Away, So Close!) ~ U2