Just woke from a dream of you ~
I was in a courtroom with impossibly high ceilings. I stood in front of a judge, but not as a plaintiff, defendant or lawyer – just me as myself, as an observer to these events.
You were in the witness box where the defendant sits. You looked desolate, forlorn. I heard a voice from the Judges Bench and looked up. The wooden Judges Bench was so wide and so very high I could not see the top of it. As I craned my neck up its top got lost in the heavens, surrounded by the clouds of the sky. The room and the bench had the feel of eternity about it. Archetypal somehow.
But I heard the Judge say “Take him away, for he is a condemned man.” Then the bailiffs took you hand-cuffed from the witness box and put you in a cell adjacent to the court-room, awaiting further transport to prison.
“No!” I said. “You can’t do that!” But no one seemed to listen to me. There were people and lawyers and jury milling around and beginning to leave the courtroom. I kept saying to the people that they couldn’t put you in prison, that you were a good man. “Please don’t put him in prison! I want to go outside and play with him. I want to run with him outside and play tag. I want to take him to a coffee shop!” Someone stopped and said to me, you can’t and nodded towards the dispersing jury. He’s been reviewed by a jury of his peers and found guilty. I’m afraid he’s going to jail for quite some time. Perhaps you can visit him there. The person pointed out where you'd been taken to, a holding cell awaiting transport.
“But you can’t do that!” I cried. “He’s a good man! You don’t know him! He never MEANT to hurt anyone. Everyone makes mistakes. You HAVE to let him go! He doesn't deserve THIS!”
Then came a voice from where I could not see – so high up on the Judges Bench … “But you wanted him here. You voiced the charge and the complaint. You can’t change your mind once you've set forth the Wheels of Justice. You called for Justice and we heard you. He has been tried by a jury of his peers and found wanting. I’m sorry but Justice HAS been served.” Then I ‘felt’ the Judge move away from his Bench.
Suddenly I was frantic. I couldn't bear never seeing you again. Couldn't stand the thought of you in prison. Suffering. For you were. I walked to where the holding cell was and there you were, sat with your head hung low and the most miserable countenance I’ve ever seen on you. You just could not look up at me and you wouldn't or couldn't seem to answer when I called your name through the bars of the cell. Your wrists were hand-cuffed.
I was utterly heart-broken to see you there. I could not face a life without you. I just had the feeling I was not going to be able to see you once they took you away. I could see they were going to put you away in a dark place for a long long time. You weren't fighting it. You were sad and you were silent and you were resigned. You didn't even look at me – as I don’t think you could see me even though I stood in front of your cell bars. We were both sad and despondent. Both of us heart-broken.
Then suddenly I got really mad and I shouted, “FUCK THIS SHIT!! I’m getting you out of here!” and I made the walls and the bars and the seat of your holding cell dissolve. The chains round your ankles and the cuffs over your wrists melted away. The very walls of the court disappeared into the same white clouds that had hung over the Judge’s bench. Suddenly we were outside in the sunshine. In the garden. Grass, hedges, sunshine, birds chirping and singing. I grabbed your hand and pulled. We ran around the garden laughing like idiots. We played tag like children, taking turn’s who was ‘it.’
Our hearts became light as cloud. They shone like little suns in our chests as we ran and played together.
No one ‘deserves’ this I said up to the heavens. No one ‘DESERVES’ anything I said. That’s NOT how it works, I said to the sky. Each of us deserves then to be condemned and none of us deserves to be condemned. It’s NOT about that I cried up to the heavens. It’s about EXPERIENCE, I said. We’re here for experience. Experience should not be judged but observed by those who do and act, I said. And that’s ALL OF US, I said. It’s up to each of us to observe OURSELVES, I said rather indignantly. Then it’s up to us to modify our souls according to what we learn here. But we don’t CONDEMN ourselves! If we are in prisons they are prisons of our own making. It is not ours to punish but to learn. It is not ours to condemn ourselves forever, this is not what it’s about. We can make choices every day till the day we die, I said. I was speaking to the unseen Judge who was the whole of the sky. The sky that covered all. That's ridiculous I said. We are responsible for our choices, but we live and we learn THROUGH the things that we do. We don't punish - it's not about punishment. I got mad, shouted “That’s what we’re HERE to do!!”
“I want to sit and have coffee with him. Talking pure shite and laughing together. That’s what I want.” That’s what I WANT, I said. Then I grabbed your hand and we ran to a delightful Val Pat and snuggled conspiratorially at a table together. Holding hands under the table and your blue eyes sparkled and laughed as your head was bent into mine, waiting for our order. I could feel their warmth in mine. The way I now know that they REALLY feel. Our legs under the table were relaxed and outstretched with our knees touching until I actually felt you scissor mine under the table in a playful leg lock. I smiled broadly.
I suddenly felt such warmth and desire for you, and then I woke up.
I had to get up and write this to you right away. You need to know this. My heart is open again – wide open to you and here I sit, holding your hands in mine – I feel that, and I feel the warmth of your face and your smile so close it’s inside of me again. This is where I want you. By my side. Inside of me as you always have been. In our garden where WE belong. THIS feels right.
Xxx
It's still waaaay to early - I'm going back to bed until I see you later today. 3/10. Thinking of you ..
~ your D
Xxx